laying on the cool concrete ground at a concert after smoking a cigarette

It’s been so long since we texted last
I have to scroll back so far to find our messages

We didn’t end on a good note
It wasn’t bad but
It gives me little hope that
There’s a future in which we can pick things back up

I listen to the same music as you
On occasion, I want to send you a song
Hoping that it wouldn’t be weird to let you know that some stuff
Reminds me of you still

I wish there was more clarity in how things left off
I wish we could just have one more
Honest conversation
Where we hashed out why we grew apart

I miss how we were able to do that
At one point
I find it sad that we don’t do that
Anymore

You changed me so much
I hope I was able to change you too
But you also hurt me too
Or it’s just me hurting myself

It used to be so simple
Reaching out to someone was so easy
With you, I’m not sure it is that simple
I have thoughts you don’t know

I don’t know if returning to normality
Will mean that we will still hang out
Maybe what we have now normal
And what we had before was special

It’s so weird that we spent so little time together
It’s so concerning I don’t know if our time together
Was as meaningful to you
As it was for me

My friends aren’t as intense as I am
But you were with me, I think
I think we brought out that side in each other
Was it as rare for you as it was for me?

I don’t know
How other people feel
I don’t know if it is just me
Who finds it hard to connect with others

I don’t know if you felt that at all
I don’t know if you valued me as much as I valued you
We never talked about it
We stopped talking before we got there

somewhere vague and far away

I know we don’t talk anymore
But I still remember that weird summer we had
When we weren’t all that different
But everything was different in the end

Now I’m just surrounded by people I don’t really like
But I really liked you
What I thought we had together
It was something special before I knew how special it was

It seems without you I’m just annoyed
At everyone and everything around me
I thought I had become a better person
In reality, I’ve just become dependent on you

It’s so weird that something so long ago can have such a big impact
It’s been so long since I felt anything that strong
Now all I feel is longing for that past version of me
Buried in the past alongside what remained of us

I wish I knew how to live as grand as you
It seems my life since then was just an imitation of the time I spent with you
I think somewhere along the line a developed into a different person
It’s weird to think that we were once in the same chapter

I’m not really attached to this life
I’m not saying it’s meaningless
But it’s not exactly that glamourous
It seems only the times I spent with you were

waking up at 3 am and feeling like you have no friends

This is my life
This is your life
You have your own life
I have my own life

It’s weird because I thought there was a chance
That I could take part in your cool life
You’re such a cool person
And while I’d like to think that I’m also cool
I don’t know if I would ever be as cool as you

I think you like spending time with me
I’m not sure if this is going to lead to anything
There is no mystery behind anything
It’s just a lot of expectation
I don’t know why you want me around
Is it because you think we have something?
Or is it because you just want me around?

After a couple of drinks, I thought we could talk about something else
I really wanted to feel close to you
But all you did was make me feel more alone than ever
You make me feel that I don’t feel close enough
I want to be closer to you
All I want to do is be closer to you
If I could have a part of your life
It would be enough, I think

happy hours on thursday

It’s so sad that this is what I’m feeling
Night out in Midtown East
At some bar whose name I forgot
Who had drinks with spring in its name
After work on a day that I thought would rain
Thinking we had a connection when I
Got too ahead of myself

I should have been more realistic
I should have had less hopes
I thought we had a connection
When all we had was an attempt
To connect

I feel like we always come so close to achieving something
I’m not sure if my thoughts are moving too quickly
Or if you just don’t know what to think of me
I thought I had something with you
I thought that we could talk about things we didn’t tell others
On our walk back to the 3 train
At 1 AM
I thought our hug was special
Am I weird for thinking that?

I don’t think that my expectations were too much
But it seems that they were
All I wanted was to get close to you
But it seems that all I have is an arm’s length
The only place I could get close to you
Is an imagined world
Where you don’t live

london fog

I found your skeletal hand across my shoulder
Thought you wanted to finally hold me after all this time
But you just reached for an old pack
Of red Marlboro cigarettes
On the nightstand next to
The bottle of red wine we finished last night

You took one without asking for permission
Asked me for a lighter when you didn’t have one
Found one under my purple lava lamp
Found your way to the windowsill
Looking wistfully at the street below
From this living room I thought I lived in

All I want is for you to look at me and see me
Maybe feel this connection like I do
I don’t know why you ended up here
Why I continue to make room for you
As it would mean something someday
When things would be different

I wonder if you thought of me on the train here
If you were thinking of anything at all
Everything is moving so fast
Or not moving at all
I just wanted to mean something to someone
I hoped that person would be you

I wish I knew what you think of me
If I mean anything at all to you
If I was just somebody you saw
Whenever you were bored
I wish I could be seen with you
I wish I lived in the same world as you