Category: love list

It’s funny and sad
All those years ago before covid
Back in college when we sat on your dirty dorm floor
On that green yoga mat you brought from home
I thought we were close
Because we were sad about the same things
And liked the same Hershey’s chocolate bars
And listened to the same Mitski album that night
And I thought that meant we were similar

But after that rainy night last June
I lost myself
All the mud on my white sneakers
That jacket I bought in the cold
All the fear I felt that night
It became abundantly clear
That whatever I had with you
Was not what I thought it was
And I can’t imagine ever returning to a world
Where you and I would ever be close again

It’s funny and sad
That usually in these things
I blame myself for breaking things
But this time it’s different
I blame you and your carelessness
It was you
In your oversight
In your negligence
In your indifference and nonchalance
Who broke me
And there is no future past that

In the months that passed
I tried to forgive you
And it took everything from me to not act rashly
But after all this time
After the storm calmed
After I moved away
I am still left with resentment
And contempt
For you and your forgetfulness
How I meant to little to you
How inevitable it was
How clear it is now
That our lives diverge

It’s 2:39 AM in San Francisco on New Year’s Day
And I am left stranded in the Mission District
Because it is late
And there are not any Ubers left willing to pick me up
Even though I’ve been waiting for so long
So I had to control myself this evening
By drinking well within my limits
Taking a quarter instead of a half
And biking myself home
The responsible side of myself showing
To people I have never met before
Who I will never see again
Knowing this side of me not authentic to myself

Damn
I just met you this evening at this party
You introduced yourself with such a smile
And gave me a hug without knowing me
It was when you brought in 10 grams to share
And our hands touched when you handed it to me
I liked you so much in a way I shouldn’t
I hope you remember me the next day
When the alcohol and high has worn off
And all that’s left is just faint recollections of the other night
Parts that I cannot remember clearly
When we exchanged a few sentences
And I thought we could’ve been close
If there was a way we could meet again

Some people date around
Because they have something to prove to themselves
I think that was you
And I was a part of that

You didn’t treat me badly
But it was never about me
You’re still a kind person
Just one who needs therapy

You think you’re not attractive enough
I don’t know if our time together changed that
I don’t know if anything I could ever change that
It’s something about you, not me

The other night when you texted me
At 2:24 AM
What did you mean by that
We hadn’t texted in two months
And it seemed quite out of the blue
I knew you were in New York
Because you told me three months before
Did you want to talk about your feelings
Was that a booty call
What did you want from me then

I wasn’t awake then to reply
I also had gone out that night
Not nearly late as you, I guess
I wish I didn’t fall asleep so early
Because I wanted to know what you
Wanted to say
The hours after midnight
Are such an honest time in the day
I feel like we have hidden so much
Since the summer we were friends
And I would do anything to know
What you were thinking
At 2:24 AM

I’m thinking of you on a flight from Reykjavik
Thinking of that Audre Lorde quote you really like
I’m thinking all of your friends I met that summer
Thinking how you introduced me with such a smile

I was sitting down at a concert when I saw you yesterday
I know you didn’t see me back
You were with your friends, and I was with mine
And the music seemed fall apart as you danced

It hurt me to see you happy like that
I was happy too until I saw you
You remind me that I was happier with you
And everything since has not been as bright

We’re like two parallel lines who intersected once
Never to touch again
You made an impact on my life
Though I’m not sure I made one on yours

It’s sad the longer our lives go on
The less likely we will be friends again
I desperately want to hold onto the closeness we shared last fall
But it is hard to save what I never had

I unashamedly admit that I feel things
Felt things for you maybe stronger than you
Felt for me that March after spring break
I’m so glad you were in my life
Even though you passed by so quickly
I feel like I’ve changed for the better
And I know it’s so weird to let one person have so much impact
But I am unashamed to admit how important you were to me

Thinking back at our time together
I’m glad that things happened the way they did
Even if it ended in heartbreak
Even if it ended with us finding someone elses
I only remember the time we shared fondly
Because there is no one else who could have
Changed me the way you did
Even if I didn’t change you the same

Sometimes when I open my messages app
I see that you’re in the midst of typing
And for 5 minutes
All I could do is wonder
What you’re writing about
Which emojis you are picking
But then 5 minutes later
Then 15 minutes later
I still don’t see a message
And I wonder if I was hallucinating in the first place
Whether my interest in you has taken over my life
Distorted my reality
Where I can see things that aren’t there
Just to bring me closer to you

Maybe I need to get my heart broken again
To get back in the way things were
When the world seemed so beautifully hopeless
When the desire to do anything felt so powerfully slow

I miss the days when the thoughts came out easier
When I didn’t have to think as much as to what I should say
When I didn’t have to wonder what is it I represent
When my aesthetic preceded my identity

Part of me is bitter that you ignored my texts
After that one night I walked you home from Prospect Park
I thought we had an intense moment together
But it turned out my feelings lied to me again

You and I are like doing and dying
So driven to follow in the shadow of an orbit
Where falling behind would be the same as death
It is not this life we chose to live out by ourselves

All these night I lied awake
Hoping that someone could finally hold me
Wondering how long I would have to live this life
Wishing that my life could be taken away

The other day
My friend asked me
Why I don’t save that much money

I did save a lot of money
When I was living at home for a year
When I was happier than I am now

But since I’ve moved to New York
I stopped adding to my investment account
Except for my year-end bonus

You only live once
But I like to think of it as
You only are young once

On some days
I want to rule the world
As if I have everything to lose

On other days
Maybe it’s enough
Not to commit suicide