seven minutes in hell

Sometimes when I open my messages app
I see that you’re in the midst of typing
And for 5 minutes
All I could do is wonder
What you’re writing about
Which emojis you are picking
But then 5 minutes later
Then 15 minutes later
I still don’t see a message
And I wonder if I was hallucinating in the first place
Whether my interest in you has taken over my life
Distorted my reality
Where I can see things that aren’t there
Just to bring me closer to you

anyone else but you

Maybe I need to get my heart broken again
To get back in the way things were
When the world seemed so beautifully hopeless
When the desire to do anything felt so powerfully slow

I miss the days when the thoughts came out easier
When I didn’t have to think as much as to what I should say
When I didn’t have to wonder what is it I represent
When my aesthetic preceded my identity

Part of me is bitter that you ignored my texts
After that one night I walked you home from Prospect Park
I thought we had an intense moment together
But it turned out my feelings lied to me again

You and I are like doing and dying
So driven to follow in the shadow of an orbit
Where falling behind would be the same as death
It is not this life we chose to live out by ourselves

All these night I lied awake
Hoping that someone could finally hold me
Wondering how long I would have to live this life
Wishing that my life could be taken away

where do you want to go

The other day
My friend asked me
Why I don’t save that much money

I did save a lot of money
When I was living at home for a year
When I was happier than I am now

But since I’ve moved to New York
I stopped adding to my investment account
Except for my year-end bonus

You only live once
But I like to think of it as
You only are young once

On some days
I want to rule the world
As if I have everything to lose

On other days
Maybe it’s enough
Not to commit suicide

sedated

It’s so exhausting explaining to others
Why I am so sad all the time, why I
Never seem to have energy, why I am
Never engaged with conversation, why I can
Never appear to be present

It’s been two hours since I woke up
At 6 AM, and all I have done since then
Was make breakfast and listen to music
Even the content I watch on YouTube
Doesn’t interest me as it used to

There’s a sort of dullness to everything now
Why am I like this
All I know is that there is nothing certain with the way I live
I could die at any second
But I don’t appreciate life any more because of it

I’m so used to the burnt coffee grounds in my coffee
But today I drank coffee in a new mug
With a new French press
And it doesn’t feel right
All this novelty doesn’t feel the same

There is one thing that has changed since college
Until now
Instead of feeling sad with no money
I just feel sad gazing out of my
Floor to ceiling window

I do agree that sadness hits different
When it is in the absence of roaches and mice
But it is still not the life I wanted
All those years ago that life I planned
Even satisfying that won’t bring me happiness, anymore

All I want to do is bury myself in some crevice
Far away from everyone I know
Hoping that would be the solution to my problems
Hoping that all I fear to reveal will be known
But even that is just running away again

As seasons change
And the music I listen to changes
All I know is the happiness I once felt
Wondering where it went
Wondering if it will return

east river ferry

Hi friend
It bothers me we aren’t close anymore
Ever since we went on that trip
And our personalities changed after that
I don’t have many of those
Friends
So when I lose one, I effectively lose
Most of my friends

It takes a long time to replace friends
Because I find it hard to make friends
So when I feel that you’re leaving me
It makes me sad
Because I can see
How big of a hole
You make in me
And how life moves on unwillingly

I had a dream last night
Where you were in it
It reminded me of that time
We were driving in the dark
And ran over a fallen street sign
And we freaked out
From the sharp metallic sound
Of a stop sign scraping against the underside
Of your dad’s old Ford Fusion
That he gave to you for graduation

There are trees falling in my world
One of which was special to us
Where we carved our names into the bark
Trying to live like a movie cliche
It didn’t etch clearly
But it wasn’t so much for the writing
As opposed to the thought that went in
Where we committed to be friends
On that cold September afternoon
For awhile
And I thought our friendship could last at least our twenties

But here we are
On the other side of things
It’s an April and I’m on a park bench in Brooklyn Heights
Waiting for people I don’t like
To eat food I don’t like
Just so I could feel something
To not feel lonely
To forget how important you were in my life
To remind me of how to live without you
But all I do is the opposite
And think about how special our times were

astoria story

I came home early from a party today
For the first time in forever
Because I felt so alone there
Because I couldn’t find my way through the crowd
And find you
And catch up on how you have been for the past hour
And talk shit about
Who you have met
How they are boring
Or cringey
Or both
And how no one can have the same conversations that we do

But tonight I made my way around the crowd
I met a couple of people wearing disposable hats
Had a few conversations over bottom-shelf vodka and coke
And I wanted to find you again
To talk about the thing we usually do at these events
But you weren’t there
Because you didn’t come with me
Because we haven’t spoken since last September

i feel so alone on a friday night

It is a Wednesday night
And I don’t have any plans this Friday night
And I feel so alone on Wednesday night
Hoping that you are home
Hoping that I could text you
And you would reply
But I wouldn’t know what to say if you did
Because too much time has passed since we were close
And we both moved onto the next part of our lives

A while ago, we used to do things together
And in those times
I always had something to do on Friday night
It didn’t really matter what I was doing
All I know I was doing it with you
And as long as I was doing something with you
Everything felt alright
But Fridays nights now give me anxiety
Because there isn’t always something to do
Because I don’t get to do things with you

It was so short but it seemed so long
Everything passed by slowly
I knew at the time that I wanted to remember us
And I cherished it because I knew it was short
Otherwise, most of life is dull
So much of life are dull moments that blend together
And I tend to forget about the dull part quickly
But things weren’t boring with you
Life with you with not boring because you were in it
And that made me feel less lonely

I wouldn’t say I was alive with you
Because that is a cliche in songs and movies
And I am not a person of cliches
But I am certainly dead without you
I feel dead, and I want to be dead
So how do I think about you without making it a cliche?
All I know is that I miss what we had
Wish I knew what it all meant in retrospect
All the hugs we had
One of them was the last
And I wish I would’ve remembered at least one

Now you blend into the background
With all the memories I shared with everyone else
And I am desperately trying to cling on
And not forget about the times we shared
But it’s so hard to remember
When so much time has passed
I wish we could relive some moments
To remind ourselves of those city lights
And look into each other’s eyes
And remember
There are only a couple moments that define our youth
And this was one of them

laying on the cool concrete ground at a concert after smoking a cigarette

It’s been so long since we texted last
I have to scroll back so far to find our messages

We didn’t end on a good note
It wasn’t bad but
It gives me little hope that
There’s a future in which we can pick things back up

I listen to the same music as you
On occasion, I want to send you a song
Hoping that it wouldn’t be weird to let you know that some stuff
Reminds me of you still

I wish there was more clarity in how things left off
I wish we could just have one more
Honest conversation
Where we hashed out why we grew apart

I miss how we were able to do that
At one point
I find it sad that we don’t do that
Anymore

You changed me so much
I hope I was able to change you too
But you also hurt me too
Or it’s just me hurting myself

It used to be so simple
Reaching out to someone was so easy
With you, I’m not sure it is that simple
I have thoughts you don’t know

I don’t know if returning to normality
Will mean that we will still hang out
Maybe what we have now normal
And what we had before was special

It’s so weird that we spent so little time together
It’s so concerning I don’t know if our time together
Was as meaningful to you
As it was for me

My friends aren’t as intense as I am
But you were with me, I think
I think we brought out that side in each other
Was it as rare for you as it was for me?

I don’t know
How other people feel
I don’t know if it is just me
Who finds it hard to connect with others

I don’t know if you felt that at all
I don’t know if you valued me as much as I valued you
We never talked about it
We stopped talking before we got there

somewhere vague and far away

I know we don’t talk anymore
But I still remember that weird summer we had
When we weren’t all that different
But everything was different in the end

Now I’m just surrounded by people I don’t really like
But I really liked you
What I thought we had together
It was something special before I knew how special it was

It seems without you I’m just annoyed
At everyone and everything around me
I thought I had become a better person
In reality, I’ve just become dependent on you

It’s so weird that something so long ago can have such a big impact
It’s been so long since I felt anything that strong
Now all I feel is longing for that past version of me
Buried in the past alongside what remained of us

I wish I knew how to live as grand as you
It seems my life since then was just an imitation of the time I spent with you
I think somewhere along the line a developed into a different person
It’s weird to think that we were once in the same chapter

I’m not really attached to this life
I’m not saying it’s meaningless
But it’s not exactly that glamourous
It seems only the times I spent with you were