Category: love list

I don’t know if it’s love at first sight
Virtual love, if that’s possible
Or if it’s because you’re pretty girl is giving me attention
But I feel so enamored by your words
The way your hair flows around your eyes
The way you called me a canvas filled with sketches
Because when you texted me at 4:38 AM
And I replied at 5:10 AM
I was filled with regret for not replying sooner
For not checking my phone as I was going through customs
My mind filled with butterflies for you

Here I am at the Pearl Lounge in Terminal 1
Staring at the pale stained white tiles
Illuminated by hospital LED lights
It is 6 AM, and I feel magic in the air
While drinking a cappuccino with some leftover croissants
I feel so awestruck by my feelings towards you
How childish I feel from the one conversation we had
How excited I get when I see notification from you
Every hour between midnight and 6 AM
Holding onto whatever we had
In my last hour in Morocco

I don’t want you to be a memory
It is too easy for connection to become memories
I don’t want you to be relegated to inspiration
For when I write love songs and poems
I want you to be a part of my life
Someone with whom I can share things
Moments to be had together
For intimacy to build and falter
I want to return to Marrakesh
Or for you to visit SF
Just so I could meet you
And see if the magic I feel is real
If what we have is more than nothing

There is nothing like the rush of mind
My electric skin
My fingers on my lips
My longing eyes
Rotating around this restless world
In breathtaking pace
Enamored
On this Christmas Eve’s eve
When a pretty girl gives me attention

There is nothing worth living for
No amount of restaurants
No amount of indulgence
No amount of solitary leisure
Until I enter those moments that matter
Those moments where I feel alive
Where I exit the ugly world I inhabit
And enter the world of something beautiful
When I pretty girl gives me attention

Even if I know it is for naught
Even if I know my life will return to plainness
I know that
At least for this very moment
I have captured the attention
Of a pretty girl
And became the object of beauty
Something worth seeing
When a pretty girl gives me attention

I was sitting at Gate 83 at LAX this evening
Coming from an investor day in Santa Monica
I was texting a girl I had just matched with on Bumble
Who whom I went on two dates last week
Eating a sloppy double cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr.
For a moment I forgot how much I missed you
And the moment I was feeling okay with myself
I see your contact photo pop up sipping Diet Coke

While we never stopped talking per se
It wasn’t a hard break like it was with your friend
I felt the butterflies again as I read your message
You didn’t write much but it than overwhelming
Here I am, wiping my fingers, speechless
Because nothing I say to you feels right
It never comes off as cool as I want it to be
Because I am not as cool as you

I pretend to be cooler than I am around you
Because you make me want to be cool
The way you carry yourself is so intentional
In a way that I was never intentional about myself
With everyone else, I am am so comfortable
But you bring out a self-conscious side of me
Pushing me to want to be like you
Holding your bright life against my dim soul

It amazes me how fickle happiness is
How discontent in one period can seamlessly transition into profound unhappiness in the next
How something as simple as finding love can add so much stress in my life
In these moments, I remember not to take my happiness for granted
Not to stretch myself too far when I want to step out of my comfort zone
And not to make myself do things that knowingly cause me unhappiness
Because as I am unhappily waiting for my flight to LA this morning
Eating a croissant from Burger King and sipping coffee from Peet’s
I was thinking about the last time we danced along Malibu beach
That summer night at midnight, not knowing it would be our last

As long as I’m alive
I shy away from the night
Hiding in the the comfort of my room
As the scary people walk outside

I cry into my pillow
Knowing no one would come for me
Wishing that I could be outside
Knowing I could only cry for me

I’m alone on this Tuesday night
This night and every other night
I caress the side of my pillow
No one misses me tonight

I left town the other morning
Hoping someone would notice
But the only thing they notice
Is the paleness I left behind

So long ‘til the end
Of this endless spooky night
I left the car keys in my car
I have felt nothing since

I hear the sun when I whisper your name
Its illuminating kisses draped over this planetary mass
Its droplets dibbled over dainty grass near white picket fences
Drifting along solar winds in convalescence of a departed storm
The searing sun bred gentle rivers when it came into being
Vivacious flows of emotions sailing through kneaded soil
When existence seeped into clay all those years ago
I remembered that creation came in pairs of two
At sunset, the oceanic sun softly embraces the forlorn shore
In the shadows, cheek against cheek, nothing felt more tender
For once, the haughty stars in the night sky gazed longingly at us
Their meager, incandescent light cannot compare to infinity
Lana once said, heaven is a place on Earth with you
But heaven is an idea, whereas my eternity resides within you
If I could close my eyes tonight and wake up tomorrow
Over heaven, I’d choose to wake up next to you

We let go past bits of ourselves
In unnoticeable ways
In unnoticeable moments
To unnoticing strangers
But we still walk forwards
On the trail we walk
From the anonymous steps before us
To more anonymous steps that follow
To a destination we have heard from stories
But we will see in our own unique ways
To tell other people who walked behind us
Who have the same thoughts as us now
With the same realization about their future

It’s been a long summer since things ended
Filled with first dates leading to meaningless interactions
Inviting people upstairs to smoke cigarette on my balcony
To catch a view of the Salesforce Tower
From my 21st floor studio apartment
I would always say the same cheesy lines
About how beautiful the SF skyline is
About how special this moment was
And that always somehow brought people to their knees

But here you are messaging me on Snapchat
An app I haven’t used since freshman year
On a Monday in the first week of August
Telling me how my words are beautiful
Confiding in me your fears of what is ahead
And all I want is to melt into your arms
Even though we met a couple hours ago
Even though it was on Tinder
I feel like every meaningless interaction
Has led me to meet you tonight

It is sad that I am leaving in a couple days
It is sad that you are only in SF during the summer
Our paths only intersected this week
But I will remember the night we shared
When we got drinks at Cafe Terminus
And stayed there until close
And walked along Embarcadero until 3 AM
Admiring the light of the Bay Bridge in the dark
And listened to that Lana Del Rey song together
Staring at the end of the horizon
Like the ending of Gatsby

I know it’s been so many months
Since we had last spoken
But I just woke up from a dream at 4:19 AM
It was a dream about you
Where we were together in suburban house
Somwhere famaliar but not yet mine
And I was wondering if you had that dream too
If we occupied some parallel dream world
Like in Alice in Borderland
Which I just finished watching yesterday

Unfortunately
Despite my best efforts
And I really mean my best efforts
Mentally and spiritually
It seems my mind has a way to drifting to you
Even in my unconscious
Which I cannot control
I am confused by the time we shared together
And I wonder what about your presence
I continue to hold onto
Despite all this time between us

Both in body and in spirit
My mind has moved so far from
That weekend late-June
When we met at that cafe on the corner of 39th and Spruce
When everything seemed so close together
And not far away at all from you
Because here in San Francisco
I feel so alone
I feel like I’ve lost touch with all of my friends
Including you
But it feels like you always have a way of getting back to me
And hurting me
As if this lonely life I’m living is not enough