pretty when you cry

Some people date around
Because they have something to prove to themselves
I think that was you
And I was a part of that

You didn’t treat me badly
But it was never about me
You’re still a kind person
Just one who needs therapy

You think you’re not attractive enough
I don’t know if our time together changed that
I don’t know if anything I could ever change that
It’s something about you, not me

the hours after 1 am

The other night when you texted me
At 2:24 AM
What did you mean by that
We hadn’t texted in two months
And it seemed quite out of the blue
I knew you were in New York
Because you told me three months before
Did you want to talk about your feelings
Was that a booty call
What did you want from me then

I wasn’t awake then to reply
I also had gone out that night
Not nearly late as you, I guess
I wish I didn’t fall asleep so early
Because I wanted to know what you
Wanted to say
The hours after midnight
Are such an honest time in the day
I feel like we have hidden so much
Since the summer we were friends
And I would do anything to know
What you were thinking
At 2:24 AM

around this time last year

I’m thinking of you on a flight from Reykjavik
Thinking of that Audre Lorde quote you really like
I’m thinking all of your friends I met that summer
Thinking how you introduced me with such a smile

I was sitting down at a concert when I saw you yesterday
I know you didn’t see me back
You were with your friends, and I was with mine
And the music seemed fall apart as you danced

It hurt me to see you happy like that
I was happy too until I saw you
You remind me that I was happier with you
And everything since has not been as bright

We’re like two parallel lines who intersected once
Never to touch again
You made an impact on my life
Though I’m not sure I made one on yours

It’s sad the longer our lives go on
The less likely we will be friends again
I desperately want to hold onto the closeness we shared last fall
But it is hard to save what I never had

what i learned about love that spring

I unashamedly admit that I feel things
Felt things for you maybe stronger than you
Felt for me that March after spring break
I’m so glad you were in my life
Even though you passed by so quickly
I feel like I’ve changed for the better
And I know it’s so weird to let one person have so much impact
But I am unashamed to admit how important you were to me

Thinking back at our time together
I’m glad that things happened the way they did
Even if it ended in heartbreak
Even if it ended with us finding someone elses
I only remember the time we shared fondly
Because there is no one else who could have
Changed me the way you did
Even if I didn’t change you the same

seven minutes in hell

Sometimes when I open my messages app
I see that you’re in the midst of typing
And for 5 minutes
All I could do is wonder
What you’re writing about
Which emojis you are picking
But then 5 minutes later
Then 15 minutes later
I still don’t see a message
And I wonder if I was hallucinating in the first place
Whether my interest in you has taken over my life
Distorted my reality
Where I can see things that aren’t there
Just to bring me closer to you

anyone else but you

Maybe I need to get my heart broken again
To get back in the way things were
When the world seemed so beautifully hopeless
When the desire to do anything felt so powerfully slow

I miss the days when the thoughts came out easier
When I didn’t have to think as much as to what I should say
When I didn’t have to wonder what is it I represent
When my aesthetic preceded my identity

Part of me is bitter that you ignored my texts
After that one night I walked you home from Prospect Park
I thought we had an intense moment together
But it turned out my feelings lied to me again

You and I are like doing and dying
So driven to follow in the shadow of an orbit
Where falling behind would be the same as death
It is not this life we chose to live out by ourselves

All these night I lied awake
Hoping that someone could finally hold me
Wondering how long I would have to live this life
Wishing that my life could be taken away

where do you want to go

The other day
My friend asked me
Why I don’t save that much money

I did save a lot of money
When I was living at home for a year
When I was happier than I am now

But since I’ve moved to New York
I stopped adding to my investment account
Except for my year-end bonus

You only live once
But I like to think of it as
You only are young once

On some days
I want to rule the world
As if I have everything to lose

On other days
Maybe it’s enough
Not to commit suicide

sedated

It’s so exhausting explaining to others
Why I am so sad all the time, why I
Never seem to have energy, why I am
Never engaged with conversation, why I can
Never appear to be present

It’s been two hours since I woke up
At 6 AM, and all I have done since then
Was make breakfast and listen to music
Even the content I watch on YouTube
Doesn’t interest me as it used to

There’s a sort of dullness to everything now
Why am I like this
All I know is that there is nothing certain with the way I live
I could die at any second
But I don’t appreciate life any more because of it

I’m so used to the burnt coffee grounds in my coffee
But today I drank coffee in a new mug
With a new French press
And it doesn’t feel right
All this novelty doesn’t feel the same

There is one thing that has changed since college
Until now
Instead of feeling sad with no money
I just feel sad gazing out of my
Floor to ceiling window

I do agree that sadness hits different
When it is in the absence of roaches and mice
But it is still not the life I wanted
All those years ago that life I planned
Even satisfying that won’t bring me happiness, anymore

All I want to do is bury myself in some crevice
Far away from everyone I know
Hoping that would be the solution to my problems
Hoping that all I fear to reveal will be known
But even that is just running away again

As seasons change
And the music I listen to changes
All I know is the happiness I once felt
Wondering where it went
Wondering if it will return

east river ferry

Hi friend
It bothers me we aren’t close anymore
Ever since we went on that trip
And our personalities changed after that
I don’t have many of those
Friends
So when I lose one, I effectively lose
Most of my friends

It takes a long time to replace friends
Because I find it hard to make friends
So when I feel that you’re leaving me
It makes me sad
Because I can see
How big of a hole
You make in me
And how life moves on unwillingly

I had a dream last night
Where you were in it
It reminded me of that time
We were driving in the dark
And ran over a fallen street sign
And we freaked out
From the sharp metallic sound
Of a stop sign scraping against the underside
Of your dad’s old Ford Fusion
That he gave to you for graduation

There are trees falling in my world
One of which was special to us
Where we carved our names into the bark
Trying to live like a movie cliche
It didn’t etch clearly
But it wasn’t so much for the writing
As opposed to the thought that went in
Where we committed to be friends
On that cold September afternoon
For awhile
And I thought our friendship could last at least our twenties

But here we are
On the other side of things
It’s an April and I’m on a park bench in Brooklyn Heights
Waiting for people I don’t like
To eat food I don’t like
Just so I could feel something
To not feel lonely
To forget how important you were in my life
To remind me of how to live without you
But all I do is the opposite
And think about how special our times were