sedated

It’s so exhausting explaining to others
Why I am so sad all the time, why I
Never seem to have energy, why I am
Never engaged with conversation, why I can
Never appear to be present

It’s been two hours since I woke up
At 6 AM, and all I have done since then
Was make breakfast and listen to music
Even the content I watch on YouTube
Doesn’t interest me as it used to

There’s a sort of dullness to everything now
Why am I like this
All I know is that there is nothing certain with the way I live
I could die at any second
But I don’t appreciate life any more because of it

I’m so used to the burnt coffee grounds in my coffee
But today I drank coffee in a new mug
With a new French press
And it doesn’t feel right
All this novelty doesn’t feel the same

There is one thing that has changed since college
Until now
Instead of feeling sad with no money
I just feel sad gazing out of my
Floor to ceiling window

I do agree that sadness hits different
When it is in the absence of roaches and mice
But it is still not the life I wanted
All those years ago that life I planned
Even satisfying that won’t bring me happiness, anymore

All I want to do is bury myself in some crevice
Far away from everyone I know
Hoping that would be the solution to my problems
Hoping that all I fear to reveal will be known
But even that is just running away again

As seasons change
And the music I listen to changes
All I know is the happiness I once felt
Wondering where it went
Wondering if it will return