Dear Lana,
It’s the hours before sunset. I have trouble concentrating during these periods. Usually, I would use this time of mental unrest to go to the gym, but I’m still letting my tattoo heal before I do. I live near a somewhat busy street, so I could hear the quiet white noise of cars passing by, even a Tesla speeding through a yellow light.
I’m reminded of a conversation I had during sophomore year, when I discovered what twilight meant for the first time ever, and the blue that accompanies it. Like back then, it is blue now. It is the time of day where the room is too dark to do any work but too bright to turn on my warm yellow lights. So I am left in the dark. I also remember this time as the last time I saw my ex, just laying in the bed at twlight, before I had to leave at sunset.
I’ve noticed I’ve become more intolerant of my friends lately. In the sense, I expect more out of my friends now than I did before, and I do not care to keep friendships that do not meet my standards in reliability and connection. This is similar to how I was a couple of years ago, but there are a couple of things that are different. I’m not really interested in making friendships that do not progress. This includes incidents in which I feel like a friend has let me down. I think, before, I was willing to overlook these incidents because I didn’t have that many friends. Nowadays, I have less friends than I did before, but I also have less of a desire to maintain connection with people who I don’t see a future with. My desire to be with people has gone down significantly. People who let me down are the first to go.
I watched Wednesday yesterday. I really think that Wednesday is everything I want to be in life. I wish I could be more like Wednesday. Her biting sarcasm, gothic aesthetic, and blatant disregard for public opinion really speaks to what I want in life. But sadly Wednesday is not real preson, and all of her quirks and achievements only exist in the fictional universe in which she occupies. It is neither realistic nor possible to be Wednesday in my reality.
My voice is dry from singing and my fingers are blistered from playing violin, so I can’t rely on those activities to pass the time. I don’t have the focus right now to study, so I can’t do that either. Instead, I’m this sort of in-between state, unable to delve into any activities. I suppose I’ll just take a shower and hope my brain fog washes away. Knowing myself, probably not.
shades of gwei 