I forgot how much of my writing used to just be me waking up in the middle of the night feeling restless. It used to be a big part of my undergrad experience, although I don’t recall waking up to write as much as I am doing now. Part of it is probably due to the fact I am sleeping earlier and earlier, like an old person. There are remarkable themes across the things I write: uncertainty of the future, disconnection, trying to live a “meaningful” life. Always longing for a life I don’t have at present.
Life is full of beginnings and endings. I’ve become somewhat accustomed to this reality, although it is still painful when you actually see this in practice. Sometimes, it’s necessary for somethings to end, even though it hurts. You are never full accustomed to it. The realization of some global maximums requires going through some local minimums.
I’ve lived in SF for more than three years now. I take the same walks around my apartment in Embarcadero. The routine exists, and the routine is suffocating. I felt like I was learning a lot, that my life was leading to something in my first couple of years here. I am still learning, but not as much. There is less purpose and certainty to my day-to-day life now. The time I spent away from SF during the remote work period seem so long ago. I made the same couple of drives to my photography studio to develop my film photos. These sunsets and sunrises seem familiar. Everything is compressing closer together. The first couple of weeks I spent in SF were so long ago. Everything seemed so slow back then.
People say time flies when you’re having fun, but I never really believed that. I don’t really enjoy my life right now, but I don’t think it’s slow. It’s quite fast actually. I don’t have that many times in my life when I am having fun, so I remember the times I do very fondly. Those periods seem quite long in retrospect. Like the summer of ’23, I am waiting for the next phase in my life, which is possibly my penultimate chapter before I settle into a life of routine. I left behind in the last chapter in my life. I expect to leave even more behind for the next chapter. Things never endure as long as you think they do or should. Life changes quicker than you might think.
I used to want to escape my life so much. Through video games or books or movies, I always pursued means to forget about how lacking my life is at any moment in time. I’ve filled many of those holes over the years, and my framework for understanding my values and purpose have improved, but there’s rarely periods in my life in which everything feels like it’s clicking. I’ve had a couple of those periods in my life, and I cherish those moments, but I don’t know where things are going from here. I don’t know if I’ll ever have one of those periods in my life again, whether I have already experienced all the happiness I have experienced in my life.
I could feel my heart slowing. I don’t know if I’m meant for this path I’ve chosen for myself. I don’t know if I’m meant for this professional life, which is crazy because it’s also so important to me. I want to do something that matters. I also want to do something that is fun. I don’t know if those two things are compatible with one another. I hope they are. I’ve decided that I want to go off the well-traveled path. There’s more to this life than following everyone else’s footsteps.
shades of gwei 