neighborhoods

Tonight is my first night in Santa Teresa, and I decided to go to a local grocery store and make dinner myself instead of going out. I am curious about the food scene, but that can wait another time when I want to be around people. Right now, I just can’t stand the sound of people. Thankfully, the Airbnb I am staying at is in a quiet area. It is nice outside. There aren’t that many people staying here, so it’s nice and quiet.

It was quite stressful getting here. I woke up at 5 AM for my shuttle, which arrived 30 minutes late. I didn’t mind waiting though. I’m more than grateful the shuttle exists at all. The ride from San Jose to Santa Teresa is six hours, including a ferry ride, and there’s no way I could make that trip myself. Fifty dollars for six hours of transportation services is more than worth it in my book, no matter how tardy the service was.

The first thing I did when I arrived in Santa Teresa was to rent a surfboard, which costs $15 per day. Then I surfed at Playa Carmen for half an hour. I wanted to go longer, but I’m a bit out of shape right now, and I didn’t want to exert myself too hard before surfing again tomorrow. I’m better at surfing than I remembered, and I’m excited to see what I am able to accomplish by the end of this month.

I’ve been looking at apartments lately in SF. I still have a couple of months before I move back, but I wanted to familiarize myself with my new options now that I have a car. I used to live in Rincon Hill, which is defined by its high rises and lack of any sort of neighborhood culture. I like that about Rincon Hill. Now I’m looking for neighborhoods further away, hoping I could find one less expensive and has parking. I’m open to not living in a high rise, at least for one year. I’ve lived in a high rise for the past two years because I hated living in a townhouse in college. But SF is different from New York. SF is defined by its Victorian townhouses, and I think I would be doing a disservice to my cultural immersion if I didn’t live in a townhouse.

There are a lot of neighborhoods I want to live in. I think Marina is very pretty, but I’ve heard it’s very loud, which is a turnoff. Pacific Heights is also nice, but I think it is also too loud. I like Mission Bay and Dogpatch because they have a similar sterile vibe, but those areas are too sunny for me. I am also considering Richmond or Sunset, but those areas are a little too far away. A part of me wants to break the pattern and live in a neighborhood more lively (I chose to live in Roosevelt Island out of all places in Manhattan), but I know that I don’t like neighborhoods that are lively. Some people would pay a lot of money to live in West Village. I would pay a lot of money not to live in West Village.

I don’t know why I am like this. I find it hard to express warmth, and therefore I don’t want the neighborhoods I live in to express warmth either. Will I become a warmer person by living in a warmer neighborhood? I don’t know. If it were that easy, I would do it in a heartbeat. Right now, I could choose to live in the Marina and fully commit to try being a warmer person. Or, I could continue to protect my mental health and live in Mission Bay. 

The concept of a neighborhood wasn’t attractive to me for the longest time. I have never come home and felt as if I am a part of something. I am not really interested in getting to know my neighbors. Among crowds, I feel separated. Among communities, I feel separated. I don’t like that I am like this, but I’m not sure how to change it. I’ve been thinking about forcing to live in a neighborhood that was more lively, but I’m not sure if I want to be lively. 

Sometimes, I ask myself: Why am I like this? but then I realize: I am like this. I like quiet places. I don’t like people. People make noises. I like being away from people, who make noises. I realized through my conversations that people seem to have the presumption that you want to be around people. “What are you doing over Halloween?”, “Who are you going with?”, “You live in Roosevelt Island?” While I recognize my antisocial tendencies are a detriment to my abilities to assimilate in society, it is genuinely a point of difference between me and most other people. Even though I crave connection, I find most social interactions distasteful.

I don’t know if I should accept my difference or fight it. Should I live in Marina and try to full-send to create a social personality, or should I live in Sea Cliff and continue the mostly suburban life I’ve had until now, or should I live in Pacific Heights and take a middle-ground? I feel like I am at a juncture in my life in picking what kind of life I want to life moving forward. Do I want to fight to have a personality more accepted by society, or do I want to preserve my mental health and live separately from everyone else?