all these night i lied

It’s almost December, meaning it’s almost Spotify Wrapped season. I have a good idea of which artists are going to be my most played this year. But, in particular, I know which song is going to be my most played song this year, and it’s “Moments” by MitiS.

This song has been with me on and off for the past couple of years. In many ways, it has defined what I have felt, how my relationships have formed, the person I became after I graduated college. It took me awhile to start listening to this song again. I started listening to this song about two years ago, and then too many memories got attached to this song, and then I couldn’t listen to it without tearing up for awhile. I’ve only been able to listen to it again in the past couple of months, and I remember why I liked it in the first place.

Specifically, this verse hits me hard.

I’ve been thinking of getting it tattooed on me. Maybe that’s not that bad of an idea. I’ve been thinking about what kind of words I want on my body, and I’m leaning away from poetry since I don’t actually consume that much poetry. Lyrics, on the other hand, hit deep. I could live with these lyrics on my body for the rest of my life because it is reminiscent of a summer that was truly transformative with impact on the rest of my life. I feel like so much of the person I have become has been the result of things that have happened so recently, and I think I have encountered my final trajectory in life.

“Though all these nights when I lay awake.” I keep on repeating that line to myself. It truly captures such an integral part of me life — staying awake at night. It is not something that i want or don’t want; it is something that just is. It is night now, and I am awake. My antidepressants aren’t helping me sleep either because they have stimulant-like properties. In this new city, I don’t know how much more I can take. In some seasons, I feel like I could conquer in the world. In other times, like now, I feel like I am so helpless to my own emotions.

I don’t think things are going to change much from here. I can’t imagine that they do. I have become so secure in my identity to the point where it is hard for me to b influenced by other people at this point. I want to be changed, but I don’t know if I could still be changed. I think back in my life to everyone who has changed me. Some people I have changed in turn, and others I have not. There’s this imbalance that is at the center of all relationships — the assymetry of effect.