Dear Lana,

I think my cynicism is getting really unhealthy. My friend introduced this concept of irony poisoning to me the other day, which is Urban Dictionary defined as “when one’s worldview is so dominated by irony and detachment-based-comedy, that the joke becomes real and you start to do things that are immoral or wrong from a place of deep nihilistic cynicism.”

I feel this. I really do.

If I was up to it, I could write a couple novels about these feelings and attempt to usher in a new age of existential postmodernism in the internet age, but that seems like too much work. Also, right now, I’m feeling too cynical to do anything about it. I’m trying to, as Sartre would want me to, to separate my existence from the essential properties associated with my existence, which is why I said I’m feeling cynical as opposed to I am cynical. Cynicism is a personality trait that can be added or removed with some discretion, so it is important not to associate my identity with a personality trait that is lesser than my existence.

What is real?
What is real?
What is real?
What is real?
What is real?
What is real?

I feel like I’ve been asking that for awhile now. I’ve asked it since I started to do writing on the big sad, and I haven’t really reached a conclusion that is particularly elucidating. The thing about reality is that everything seems so distanced from other things. Things happen in one sphere in the world, and then we respond to it in another sphere. There is this distinct feeling of detachment to the rest of the world that arises through perceiving this imagined barrier between things that happen and things that we perceive happening. The question that arises is: is this distinction existent? Well, it is existent now that I have pointed it out, but does it exist in any merit beyond my perception of it?

In response to this perceived disconnect, or the unsure recognition of its existence, we compensate with the ironic disposition to reject our reality and acknowledge the disconnect. At least, that’s what I think I’m doing. I have a very hard time figuring out what I am doing because even my own self-evaluation is tainted with irony. Through irony, we reject the reality we have been given and call ourselves to what we think is a higher reality but in reality a lesser reality when we do not want to address actual reality. I find it to be quite challenging to navigate because of its ontological self-reinforcement. If only there existed a world where we acted in our best interest. Wouldn’t that be a utopia?

I was thinking of applying a modified Pascal’s wager in this situation. At this point, there are to option: to live life authentically, or to live life ironically. They are both their own philosophical doctrines in their own right. Both are incompatible with the other, just life Christianity and athiesm back in the day. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter which one is more “real” — authenticity or irony. At the end of the day, only one thing matters in life, and that is to live a good life. In this regard, living authentically probably secures a better life down the line, regardless of whether or not it is a more “real” way to live lie, whatever “real” means (I’m starting to accept that I will never know what is “real” — moreover, that it doesn’t really matter what is more “real” than another).

Out of all the Hellenistic schools of thought, I probably find myself falling most in line with Epicureanism. There’s something distinctly transhumanistic about, and I think it ages well into the 21st century, which I claim to represent. I’ve already noted the toxic effects of cynicism on my life — it doesn’t allow me to enjoy life as much, it drains my energy away from doing things that I liked, it’s boring — I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to live in the future with this growing force of cynicism. I’m determined to let my cynicism die sometime in the next couple of years. Of course, since it is a parasite attached to me right now, it’ll take some time to shed. I’m sure, before long, I’ll find myself another personality trait to replace it. All in the name of living a better life.