Dear Lana,

It’s harder to fall asleep than it once was. Did I drink too much tea? It might be time to whip out the decaf again.

I started flipping through your book of poetry, Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass. I’m feeling pretty delirious right now, so I don’t actually remember anything that I read.

I was reflecting on how I was able to sleep all those years ago in college when I had exams every other month. Drinking coffee at 9 PM was such a vibe, yet I still somehow managed to make it to bed by 2 AM. There’s no way in hell I could do that anymore. I shutter at the thought. My adult body wouldn’t be able to handle it. Lame. I like the routine of sleeping around midnight to wake up for work in the morning. I would listen to the latest episode of The Daily with Michael Barbaro, and then I would get along with my day. Any disruption to this pattern annoys me. I’m not particularly excited to have this habit taken away.

I was thinking — I’ll be moving to New York in a couple of months. Since I’ll be in New York in my twenties, I’ll be living in a cramped apartment once more. It’s New York, and it seems to almost invite the idea of “being young”. If this was freshman year of college, that might’ve excited me. Seeing as though this isn’t freshman year anymore, I just want to stay inside and do things that old people do. Lame.

I feel that at some point, I’ll probably feel some pressure to do things that young people do. Ugh, why? My body aches all over from doing nothing. People treat the fact that you only live once as a justification to do as much as possible during your youth. At one point, I think I subscribed to this idea. Nowadays, I don’t really care about what I miss out on. Being young is tiring, and I don’t like to be tired. I’m already as tired as it is, and I don’t want to do anything that would make me even more tired. Not having to worry about school is great. Adult life is so low stakes. All you do is work and chill. Sounds like the dream.

Lately, I don’t have energy to do anything. But it’s like in an anti-depression way. I’m too happy to feel the need to do anything to distract myself, so I’m just tired all the time. It’s like being in a state so blissful that I just constantly melt into a puddle all the time. I don’t really spend that much time internally anymore, so I just notice things like how tired I am or how my stomach hurts more than usual or how my thigh gap is been replaced for storage of Chinese takeout from these past couple of months. Thinking about the nature of existence and the metaphysics of love and sadness is so lame. It’s so… I don’t know, 2018? Either way, I can’t imagine myself ever touching those subjects again. I don’t know how I could have possible had interest in such lame topics at one point in my life.

Honestly, Lana. I just want to sleep and nap and drink red wine on my patio on Sundays. I have been obsessed with the idea of a covered patio lately, so that’s something I want to work towards in my life. That is my future — a covered patio.