sf party

I feel like everyone is fake, as if I don’t belong. I know this is just my enneagram talking. When I feel close to others, I feel so close. When I don’t feel close, I feel so far away. I can be either the life of a party or a wallflower but nothing in between. I aspire to find community, but I often find rejection. When I find community, it frequently does not last. I feel inadequate. Although I have accomplished so much, I feel like I have so much more left to go. I have very few periods in my life in which I thrive. I simultaneously both care and don’t care about what people think of me. I’m ready and not ready to do something meaningful in my life. My solitude hits so close and so far. 

I’ve never enjoyed parties too much. I’ve always felt out of place, except when I know at least half of the people there. In those kinds of scenarios, I feel so connected to everything and everyone. I exist in a state of desolation or exuberance and nothing in between. It would be nice to exist in a state of exuberance forever. I’ve been in that state before, but it’s often fleeting. Either do to situations beyond my control or the speed of change propelling me far from Eden.

I really want to be a VC one day. Not now, because there’s something I want to build, but eventually. I like the aesthetic of hosting networking events in my apartment. I like interacting with founders and learning about emerging trends. I like enabling companies to build the technologies that will shape our future. It seems like a lot of my life has been leading to this. I don’t have the skills or network necessary to be a VC now, but I think I have what I need to be a founder, mostly. I definitely have the personality for one, just maybe not the hard skills that I want, yet.