I’ve been having a lot of stress dreams lately. I’ve been waking up earlier than expected. I’ve been in a low-stress environment for so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel stress.
In college, I was stressed about not knowing what was next. Now, I am also stressed about not knowing what is next. When the future is not yet determined, it has infinite possibilities. In the making, everything is so tumultuous. After it has been determined, everything seems so inevitable.
Successful founders and entrepreneurs always recommend you take more risks when you are younger. Well, I’m “younger” right now, and the prospect of risk still scares me. I thought it would get better over the past couple of years, but it really hasn’t gotten significantly better. I still feel delicate. I still feel like I am flower in violent storm, singular in beauty, but struggling everyday to merely exist in a violent world.
I wonder if it will get worse over time. My ability to switch jobs decreases over time. My depedencies increase. While I would like to think that my stresses about my career would decrease over time, there is very little to suggest that would actually be the case. The empirical evidence suggests otherwise. People become more risk-averse and more stressed over time.
People say I should spend more time networking. I have an idea of what that means, but I also don’t have a good idea of what that means. How is that different to how I am living my life currently? What is the point of superficial connections? There’s a lot of advice that I get that I accept but don’t understand. Perhaps that will make more sense to me when I’m older. But at the moment, I’m just focused on doing things in a way that I don’t entirely understand.
I thought I had a good idea of what I wanted to do a couple years ago, but I’m more confused now. Plans I made three years ago are still applicable, but just less obvious.
shades of gwei 