trips

I had a discussion with my mom at dinner today about all of my exes and where they were now. My mom asked me if I kept in contact with any of them, and I said no. She asked me why, and I didn’t know how to reply.

It’s strange that I have to explain to people how frequently I go on 1-on-1 trips with girls I have crushes on — some of whom who like me back I end up dating but most of the time whom don’t like me back and I never speak to again after the trip. It’s a staple of my development and explains 99% of my personal growth. I am motivated by these short bursts of intense interaction where I am able to push the boundaries of conversation to revealing deep truths about myself and my traveling companion. I oftentimes feel that these trips are more valuable than relationships themselves. You are able to push the envelope and learn more about yourself in a intense week with someone you don’t know that well than you are able to in a mellow year with someone you know well.

I’ve always thought it was interesting how quickly you can lose touch with someone you have shared such intensity with. It’s always me trying to keep in touch. It is often my counterpart that is slow to reply or leaves me on read. The memories is always still fresh in my head, and I wonder if they meant as much to my travel companion as it did to me. Unlike investing, you can’t really do a post-mortem on one of these trips. You never know what your counterpart is thinking. You don’t know how you messed up, if you messed up at all. All you can do is label the data you have, let it run in your subconscious, and move on with your life. It’s like reinforcement learning without human feedback.